Baby Blues

I have not done a good job of keeping up with posts have I?  Time just keeps slipping away from me, as I told me Mom the other day.  It is like I live in this WY bubble.  I really don't leave the house that often because it is too cold, and living in a tiny town doesn't give you much reason to leave anyways.  This also doesn't help my feelings of the baby blues lately....

I know this is normal, don't worry I am not about to drive off a bridge or anything but I find that I get upset really easy and just burst into tears.  This happened last night as I was trying to get Danni ready for bed.  Hailey came down with flu like symptoms and last night it seemed to peak.  So Corey was playing Xbox and when he does get on (which is not a lot lately) he zones out.  So I had Hailey burning with a fever and crying for comfort while I had Danni crying because she was in a poopy diaper and I also had to give her a bath.  It doesn't help that she is slightly grumpy in the evenings as well.  So I felt like I was stretched way too thin.  Add on top of that the fact I haven't been sleeping much with a new baby and a sick 4 year old.  Then I have been stressing about Danni getting this flu bug from Hailey and not even 3 weeks old it would be so horrible for her.  I was done...done done.

I wanted to just burst out crying but I didn't want the kids to see me getting upset.  They probably think I am a basket case here lately anyways.  And to make matters worse when you think that you have it the worst you are reminded that your life is really not that bad.  I saw a video posted on Facebook from brother Holland I believe talking about climbing mountains and facing challenges.  I can say I let myself cry while watching this.  I feel better for two reasons: 1. like I said I realize that compared to what others are facing mine is a grain of salt so I need to look at the positive in my life. 2. it made me realize that I need to pray more often and rely on my Heavenly Father for comfort and support.  I can't do things on my own all the time.  And I always feel like I need to do things by myself with no help.  This also goes toward things going on in my life.  I need to let Corey take charge sometimes and I need to make the kids do more for me.  I also need to remember that it isn't the end of the world if my kitchen and bathrooms don't get a deep cleaning every week.  Life will not end if I don't.

You would think after 4 kids having one more would be easy.  But I find that having Danni has been the most challenging for me.  Physically and emotionally.  Obviously I have lots I need to learn and grow from.....

First Two Weeks of Danni

 

I know everyone will be tired of seeing post about Danni...but how can you not help but post about a new life brought into this world.  The trauma of the labor is slowly fading and in its place is an emotion of awe for me.  There is nothing better than holding your child as they make that first entrance into this mortal life.  I know Danni was meant to be ours and I feel very humbled to have been given the inspiration to have her.  How empty our life would have been without her. 

 

After two weeks of life Danni is thriving.  She loves to eat and can down her food in no time flat.  Of course this makes for manly burps on her part.  She is good natured most of the time, except for her grumpy time at night.  She HATES her bath time but loves to be wrapped and cuddled.  She loves to stare at things for extended periods of time and I know this is impossible but I swear she has smiled at me a couple of times, wide awake with no gas going.  My mom can attest to that because she was here for 2 of them.  I guess I need to update my pictures!!!

 

 Hanging in the warmer...she did well.

 Most recent pic, trying to calm her grumpy upset stomach.

 Corey took this, fat face picture.

 In the hospital 2 days old.

 After first feeding, look at those poor bruises all over her face.

 The best part...holding her after the labor was amazing.

She was so worth it!!!

Danni Renee Esquibel

 

Welcome to the family Danni Renee Esquibel

 

 

 

Danni was born on February 6th 2013 at 3:16pm.  She weighed 7lbs 9oz and was 20 inches long.  I went in with expectations of coming away feeling empowered and able.  It did not turn out that way.

I decided not to do pain meds this time and try to do it natural.  I read up on it for months preparing myself and trying to learn as much as possible.  At 40 weeks I still had no contractions so I was scheduled for an induction.  I could tell I was close, but for some reason my body was being stubborn.  So I went in and all my Dr. did was break my water.  I started having good contractions and I have to admit they were bearable at first.  I got all the way to 8cm and was thinking this was going to be a piece of cake.  Well if you have had a baby you know once you reach this point, it is a point of no return for pain meds.  I stayed at about an 8 for 2 hours and my dr. said to just give me a pinch of pit to get things going.  For about 15 minute the contractions were hard and raw and hurt so bad.  I could feel my body trying to get Danni down but nothing was happening.  We later learned why.

Finally I was completely dilated and was told to start pushing.  I did and I was pushing through the contraction because it was hurting less to push through them.  Once the Dr. had a visual he told me to stop pushing.  He said when she started coming out all he saw was a face.  Which if you look up is face presentation.  So he had to push her back in with forceps and correct her over extended head.  Well she was also coming face up so I had to try and push her out that way also.  I just remember yelling at the dr that I was pushing and she wasn't coming out.  I could feel her right there and I just couldn't get her past that last bit.  He finally had to put the vacuum on her head to help me.  Corey said he will never forget watching the tearing as she was coming out.  He described it as opening a band-aid wrapper. 

I have to admit this was the most painful thing I have ever gone through.  I would take the epidural next time for sure.  My dr. assured me if she came out like she was supposed to, I would have delivered her hours earlier and with ease.  But all I can do is think about the pain and feeling helpless to get her out of my body.  She is so beautiful though and she is healthy and strong.  No problems with her spine even though her head was extended to her back coming out.  I feel so blessed as this could have turned out horribly wrong.  

If you look at the picture you can see all the bruising she had to her face.  She looks more like a boxer than a sweet baby.  But she has a very mild temperament unless you don't let her nurse when she wants.  Breastfeeding is work and I won't deny I have thought about just going formula but I know it will be worth it to stick it out.  But we are so thankful for her sweet spirit and how much she will add to our family.

It's Been a Rough Week

Once again I have no pictures to post, but I made a promise to blog more and so I thought I would explain why I don't have any pictures.  Life was going along as normal till Tuesday night then entered stomach flu.  Now as a rule I never get the flu.  The kids always get it at some point but I always seem to get by without.  This time mom was the only one who lucked out.  I started feeling a little sick at dinner time but still ate because I knew I needed to for Danni.  Looking back I should just have not ate or had something little.  I got so sick afterwards.  Can I just say I threw up or had the runs from after dinner till I woke up Corey to take me to the ER at 1:30am.  Normally I am the type of person who says you wait it out until you are dying to go to the ER.  I hate the ER.  But when you keep throwing up the small sips of water you are trying to take and going to the bathroom every 15 minutes you know you are in trouble.  If I wasn't pregnant I would have stuck it out till morning.  But I was most concerned about Danni and me becoming dehydrated.

So off we went to the ER and thank goodness we live in a small town.  There was no one in the ER, just us.  They took me right back and got me started.  I was super dehydrated so they gave me IV fluids.  They wouldn't let me go till I could give them a urine sample and keep something down.  They gave me nausea meds so I was able to drink, but even after all the fluids I still had a hard time giving them a sample.  I feel extremely lucky because not once did I have a contraction.  That was the main concern that I would start contracting with being so dehydrated.  I was truly blessed.  I was only there for 3 hours from start to finish.  So I came home and layed low and Corey took the day off to recoup and watch after me.

So today is Saturday and the first morning since then that I was able to eat breakfast and keep it down.  This is the longest i have ever taken getting over something like this.  It has been horrible.  Corey had the Missionaries come over on Thursday night and they helped Corey give me a blessing.  I am so grateful for the gospel and the fact that I know I am going to get better and make a full recover.  Let's just hope I don't have to deal with that again.  Just a couple more weeks till Danni comes and I am so ready!!

New Years..Poke me in the eye.

Every January you see all the commercials regarding weight loss increase.  You see specials for gym memberships and diet supplements and pills.  And every year it seems even I get re motivated to make this the best year ever for my health.  Now I haven't been pregnant for 4 years and so I can't say that I have had to start from scratch for a very long time.  After Hailey I started exercising and kept with it for those 4 years continuously.  Even running in the wind, rain and snow which was hard enough to motivate.  Now I find myself stuck in this rut.  I see everyone talking about getting started or setting extra goals.  While I just keep my eye on delivery.  For someone who has an addiction to exercise this really bugs me.

I find myself being snippy with people and their comments about losing weight and being healthy.  Basically because when I look in the mirror I resemble a 60 year old over weight male with a pot belly.  I know, people will comment and say, "but you are pregnant, you are supposed to enjoy this."  Well I am not.  For all accounts I am so ready to be done and get back into some sort of routine. 

But don't be worried, I also realize that I will have a new baby and Danni will need me more than I need the gym or a slim waist right away.  It is hard in our society to just enjoy being a new mom with the pressure to get thin fast and fit back into your clothes.  I am trying to allow myself some wiggle room to enjoy Danni's sweetness for a little while.  I like to think of myself as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario.  Let's hope that Dr. Jekyll will stay hidden for a little while after I deliver before rearing his ugly head.

I did notice a comment on Facebook about the importance of exercise and not being selfish doing it.  I had to make the comment that while it was very important to get some time for exercise in your schedule it can also be an addiction for some people.  It was mentioned that not that many people have that problem.  I have to beg to differ.  In just the past 4 years I have met numerous people who have been addicted to exercise and body image.  Me being one of them.  And some have admitted that they have an issue, while others still won't admit that it is a problem.  I think if you have an issue with this you tend to meet and run in the same circle as people with the same problem.  Maybe that is why I can tell you there are lots of people out there with this problem.  Even now I struggle with how I look and I get the urge to start counting my calories and measuring to lose some pounds.  It is really hard to live with and can consume your every waking thought.

So hopefully I can resist the urge to give in to my addiction when I have Danni.  I have no illusions that I won't count calories and get back into my clothes.  Because I pretty much know I will, but I am hoping that I can be happy with who I am, where I am.  I hope that I can just be happy eating healthy and exercising (in moderation) and then just being happy with me.  It is hard to try and mold your body into a certain expectation when in reality it will never look that way.  Not without several thousands of dollars and surgery.  So if you struggle like I do with body image and self control just know that you are not alone, and that one day at a time is all we can do until we are ok with who we are.  I might not be ok this moment or in a couple of months, but hopefully looking down the road I can just be happy to be me.

Breastfeeding Aspirations

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with my first child almost 12 years ago..(wow that makes me feel old just typing this) I knew I wanted to breastfeed.  When he was born I thought it was going to be so easy.  It seems so easy, you just stick them on there and off you go.  I was in Phoenix at the time and my Mom couldn't make it till about 2 weeks post part em, so I was just winging it.  I can't even remember if I had the lactation consultant talk to me before I left for home.  All I know is about 1 week afterwards I was in serious pain.  Everyone I talked to said you would get sore so I thought it was normal.  Well by the time my Mom got there I was in tears every time I had to feed him and there was usually a lot of blood everywhere.  Not a good experience for a beginner breast feeder.  So I did formula and that was that. 

3 babies later and I still switched to formula about 2 days after having them.  Yes I had the lactation lady come in and help with all 3.  Every single one said the same thing.  Your baby just has a strange suck or the roof of the mouth of odd shaped so I would have to train him/her how to latch on correctly which would take time.  Really?  What happened to everyone else who just gets to have breastfeeding babies with no problems?  I would always get frustrated or start getting sore and I think I would have flashbacks to my first.  I think that fear of having the same problem caused me to stop before I could even start.

Here I am pregnant and almost ready to deliver baby number 5.  I really want to do this birth naturally because of problems with the epidural with baby 4.  I am so glad my mom is so supportive with my decision.  Wish my hubby was on board just as much, but he just wants me to get the painkillers and get it over with.  Not that he is not loving and a wonderful husband.  He gets really nervous in the delivery room and tends to just stand in the corner not sure what to do.  So I am certain the thought of me on no drugs makes him extra nervous already.  But along with this new strength or desire to have this baby naturally I really really want to breastfeed.  Will it be best for the baby? Sure we all know that.  But I really want to have that closeness to my baby that I missed with the other 4.  And not being able to do something has really drove me nuts. 

So I prep and and I read but I really don't think there is anything I don't know that I haven't already read.  Or that the lactation consultants haven't gone over again and again.  I just have this hope and I pray that it will be enough this time.  Plus the fact I am delivering at a tiny hospital with only 2 birthing rooms gives me an edge as well.  With not too many woman to attend to I am hoping to get some much needed one on one time when little Danni arrives.  So here is to hoping and wanting to do something even though you fear it.

New Year....New Things.

 

Happy New Year everyone!!  I truly hope everyone had a great holiday season and that you all have great goals for this year.  Right now the only goal I have on my brain is making it through this pregnancy.  One month left and I just feel like it is taking forever to get over with.  I realized that I probably should do one more belly shot before Danni makes her arrival.  Corey convinced me to do a bare belly shot, which really makes you appreciate the roundness of the belly.  My mom made the comment that is looks like she has dropped and as I looked I thought the same thing.  Let's just hope she doesn't sag so low she drags on the ground.

 

I was joking when I said that was my only goal this year.  I am excited to welcome a new member to our family this year.  But along with that I have been thinking of trying to be a more positive person.  I realize most of what I say can be negative and when someone makes a comment i try to find something negative to say about it.  Habit or just me not using my filter correctly.  Either way I need to work on that.  And like my friend Sarah who also blogs I want to try and post more often.  And with that comes taking more pictures.  I used to take a ton when we lived in Maryland.  I think it might have something to do with how beautiful everything was there.  Made it easy to find something to photograph.  Here during winter it is hard to find anything worth taking a picture of.  And we really don't get out much this time of year.  The kids make it down to the bus stop and I might get out for a Dr. appointment or to get groceries, but other than that I just stay at home cuddled under a blanket on the couch.

Of course I have physical goals too.  I of course want to lose the baby weight, but this time I am really going to try and not be too hard on myself.  I have surprised myself with the fact that I have put some weight on and I am ok with it.  I do have a goal to run a half marathon the end of August with my friend Bonnie and brother Thor.  I started Bonnie running before I got pregnant and she has kept it up and become a beast.  She has never ran a half marathon before and I really want to share that with her.

So I will try to take pictures of something in the next couple of days and find something to post about.  Maybe this will help me get creative.