Grandma Rollins

On March 12th my dear grandma Rollins passed away.  She was such a kind person and she welcomed everyone into her home with such love.  Corey was a great husband and drove with me and the kids 12 hours to Green River to the funeral.  I was so glad I went to say goodbye to my Grandma.  I am not a fan of funerals...I have such a hard time with them.  The times I have been I am haunted by them for months afterwards.  Even with the knowledge of the Gospel I sometimes have trouble with the unknown.  I had a great time seeing cousins I haven't seen in years.  And I had a memorable run with my brother Thor up horseshoe canyon that was horrible.  Thanks for the hard workout that relieved some stress.

I learned a little something about myself during the funeral.  As we were all sitting there, basically filling up the chapel because there are so many of us.  Grandma had 46 grandchildren and 130 great grandchildren with more to come.  All of these bodies were there because of the love and commitment of two people.  Those two being my Grandpa and Grandma Rollins.  It was overwhelming to think about.  And during the whole funeral and afterwards all I could think about was the memories I had of Grandma.  Of her coming to visit me growing up in NC.  How she would cook these great meals for us.  I remember going every Sunday to her house in Green River and playing with cousins.  I remember her white Christmas tree in the foyer.  We lived in their basement for a couple of months till we moved and I remember the whole layout and the fact my sister and I slept on a hide-a-bed.  I remember how she would whistle when she would work.  And man could my grandma whistle.  She loved music.  Not one memory was of how she looked or if she was thin or fat.  So that got me thinking as to why I have such a hard time worrying about how I look.  To whom does it matter?  Not to the people who love me.  My husband loves me no matter what.  My kids love me and the memories they have of me will be like my Grandma.  No judgement, just tender moments that will be with them forever.

I think we get so caught up with being perfect in everyone else eyes we forget about being just important to those who matter most.  I came across an old friend who I knew years ago who got into weights and body competitions.  She lost a ton of weight and put on muscle.  Nothing wrong with that in itself.  But then I noticed in pictures her clothing getting more and more revealing until she was basically wearing the tiniest bikini you could think of in front of tons of people getting her body judged.  And I almost felt sad for her that she chose to spend all her precious time on getting her outside perfect and forgetting about how much more important her inside was.  I wasn't judging, it just made me sad because I have been there.  I wanted to be that perfect 10 in front of everyone else.  But I realize that something like that won't matter when I am gray and wrinkled with tons of grandchildren surrounding me.  They won't remember or think about what I looked like in a swimsuit.  And at my funeral I want to be remembered for the food I cooked, the love I gave and the example I set for my posterity.  That is what this life is all about after all.