Every January you see all the commercials regarding weight loss increase. You see specials for gym memberships and diet supplements and pills. And every year it seems even I get re motivated to make this the best year ever for my health. Now I haven't been pregnant for 4 years and so I can't say that I have had to start from scratch for a very long time. After Hailey I started exercising and kept with it for those 4 years continuously. Even running in the wind, rain and snow which was hard enough to motivate. Now I find myself stuck in this rut. I see everyone talking about getting started or setting extra goals. While I just keep my eye on delivery. For someone who has an addiction to exercise this really bugs me.
I find myself being snippy with people and their comments about losing weight and being healthy. Basically because when I look in the mirror I resemble a 60 year old over weight male with a pot belly. I know, people will comment and say, "but you are pregnant, you are supposed to enjoy this." Well I am not. For all accounts I am so ready to be done and get back into some sort of routine.
But don't be worried, I also realize that I will have a new baby and Danni will need me more than I need the gym or a slim waist right away. It is hard in our society to just enjoy being a new mom with the pressure to get thin fast and fit back into your clothes. I am trying to allow myself some wiggle room to enjoy Danni's sweetness for a little while. I like to think of myself as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario. Let's hope that Dr. Jekyll will stay hidden for a little while after I deliver before rearing his ugly head.
I did notice a comment on Facebook about the importance of exercise and not being selfish doing it. I had to make the comment that while it was very important to get some time for exercise in your schedule it can also be an addiction for some people. It was mentioned that not that many people have that problem. I have to beg to differ. In just the past 4 years I have met numerous people who have been addicted to exercise and body image. Me being one of them. And some have admitted that they have an issue, while others still won't admit that it is a problem. I think if you have an issue with this you tend to meet and run in the same circle as people with the same problem. Maybe that is why I can tell you there are lots of people out there with this problem. Even now I struggle with how I look and I get the urge to start counting my calories and measuring to lose some pounds. It is really hard to live with and can consume your every waking thought.
So hopefully I can resist the urge to give in to my addiction when I have Danni. I have no illusions that I won't count calories and get back into my clothes. Because I pretty much know I will, but I am hoping that I can be happy with who I am, where I am. I hope that I can just be happy eating healthy and exercising (in moderation) and then just being happy with me. It is hard to try and mold your body into a certain expectation when in reality it will never look that way. Not without several thousands of dollars and surgery. So if you struggle like I do with body image and self control just know that you are not alone, and that one day at a time is all we can do until we are ok with who we are. I might not be ok this moment or in a couple of months, but hopefully looking down the road I can just be happy to be me.
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2 comments:
I like this post because it is honest. I think most of us struggle with some form of addiction or obsessive behavior but I know that we can overcome. I was actually hoping to get in really good shape this year because it is my 20 year reunion...so at least you are not OLD like me. But anyway I was asked to speak about goal setting in church last week and as I prepared I learned so much about setting goals with eternal,not temporal significance, and I realized how vain my reasons for wanting to get in shape were. I won't regive my talk here but I realized that I need to make sure that the time I spend working on a goal is relative to its weight in eternity. It is important to take care of our bodies but like you said...moderation...and there are more important things that I need to work on, not to impress people at my reunion, but to be prepared for my eternal reunion with Heavenly Father. Anyway sorry if this sounds preachy. I appreciate your honesty as you face this and just wanted you to know that I get it and that I will be praying for you.
The first step in overcoming an addiction is admitting you have one. You have taken that step. Keep moving forward. I love you
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