It's Been a Rough Week

Once again I have no pictures to post, but I made a promise to blog more and so I thought I would explain why I don't have any pictures.  Life was going along as normal till Tuesday night then entered stomach flu.  Now as a rule I never get the flu.  The kids always get it at some point but I always seem to get by without.  This time mom was the only one who lucked out.  I started feeling a little sick at dinner time but still ate because I knew I needed to for Danni.  Looking back I should just have not ate or had something little.  I got so sick afterwards.  Can I just say I threw up or had the runs from after dinner till I woke up Corey to take me to the ER at 1:30am.  Normally I am the type of person who says you wait it out until you are dying to go to the ER.  I hate the ER.  But when you keep throwing up the small sips of water you are trying to take and going to the bathroom every 15 minutes you know you are in trouble.  If I wasn't pregnant I would have stuck it out till morning.  But I was most concerned about Danni and me becoming dehydrated.

So off we went to the ER and thank goodness we live in a small town.  There was no one in the ER, just us.  They took me right back and got me started.  I was super dehydrated so they gave me IV fluids.  They wouldn't let me go till I could give them a urine sample and keep something down.  They gave me nausea meds so I was able to drink, but even after all the fluids I still had a hard time giving them a sample.  I feel extremely lucky because not once did I have a contraction.  That was the main concern that I would start contracting with being so dehydrated.  I was truly blessed.  I was only there for 3 hours from start to finish.  So I came home and layed low and Corey took the day off to recoup and watch after me.

So today is Saturday and the first morning since then that I was able to eat breakfast and keep it down.  This is the longest i have ever taken getting over something like this.  It has been horrible.  Corey had the Missionaries come over on Thursday night and they helped Corey give me a blessing.  I am so grateful for the gospel and the fact that I know I am going to get better and make a full recover.  Let's just hope I don't have to deal with that again.  Just a couple more weeks till Danni comes and I am so ready!!

New Years..Poke me in the eye.

Every January you see all the commercials regarding weight loss increase.  You see specials for gym memberships and diet supplements and pills.  And every year it seems even I get re motivated to make this the best year ever for my health.  Now I haven't been pregnant for 4 years and so I can't say that I have had to start from scratch for a very long time.  After Hailey I started exercising and kept with it for those 4 years continuously.  Even running in the wind, rain and snow which was hard enough to motivate.  Now I find myself stuck in this rut.  I see everyone talking about getting started or setting extra goals.  While I just keep my eye on delivery.  For someone who has an addiction to exercise this really bugs me.

I find myself being snippy with people and their comments about losing weight and being healthy.  Basically because when I look in the mirror I resemble a 60 year old over weight male with a pot belly.  I know, people will comment and say, "but you are pregnant, you are supposed to enjoy this."  Well I am not.  For all accounts I am so ready to be done and get back into some sort of routine. 

But don't be worried, I also realize that I will have a new baby and Danni will need me more than I need the gym or a slim waist right away.  It is hard in our society to just enjoy being a new mom with the pressure to get thin fast and fit back into your clothes.  I am trying to allow myself some wiggle room to enjoy Danni's sweetness for a little while.  I like to think of myself as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario.  Let's hope that Dr. Jekyll will stay hidden for a little while after I deliver before rearing his ugly head.

I did notice a comment on Facebook about the importance of exercise and not being selfish doing it.  I had to make the comment that while it was very important to get some time for exercise in your schedule it can also be an addiction for some people.  It was mentioned that not that many people have that problem.  I have to beg to differ.  In just the past 4 years I have met numerous people who have been addicted to exercise and body image.  Me being one of them.  And some have admitted that they have an issue, while others still won't admit that it is a problem.  I think if you have an issue with this you tend to meet and run in the same circle as people with the same problem.  Maybe that is why I can tell you there are lots of people out there with this problem.  Even now I struggle with how I look and I get the urge to start counting my calories and measuring to lose some pounds.  It is really hard to live with and can consume your every waking thought.

So hopefully I can resist the urge to give in to my addiction when I have Danni.  I have no illusions that I won't count calories and get back into my clothes.  Because I pretty much know I will, but I am hoping that I can be happy with who I am, where I am.  I hope that I can just be happy eating healthy and exercising (in moderation) and then just being happy with me.  It is hard to try and mold your body into a certain expectation when in reality it will never look that way.  Not without several thousands of dollars and surgery.  So if you struggle like I do with body image and self control just know that you are not alone, and that one day at a time is all we can do until we are ok with who we are.  I might not be ok this moment or in a couple of months, but hopefully looking down the road I can just be happy to be me.

Breastfeeding Aspirations

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with my first child almost 12 years ago..(wow that makes me feel old just typing this) I knew I wanted to breastfeed.  When he was born I thought it was going to be so easy.  It seems so easy, you just stick them on there and off you go.  I was in Phoenix at the time and my Mom couldn't make it till about 2 weeks post part em, so I was just winging it.  I can't even remember if I had the lactation consultant talk to me before I left for home.  All I know is about 1 week afterwards I was in serious pain.  Everyone I talked to said you would get sore so I thought it was normal.  Well by the time my Mom got there I was in tears every time I had to feed him and there was usually a lot of blood everywhere.  Not a good experience for a beginner breast feeder.  So I did formula and that was that. 

3 babies later and I still switched to formula about 2 days after having them.  Yes I had the lactation lady come in and help with all 3.  Every single one said the same thing.  Your baby just has a strange suck or the roof of the mouth of odd shaped so I would have to train him/her how to latch on correctly which would take time.  Really?  What happened to everyone else who just gets to have breastfeeding babies with no problems?  I would always get frustrated or start getting sore and I think I would have flashbacks to my first.  I think that fear of having the same problem caused me to stop before I could even start.

Here I am pregnant and almost ready to deliver baby number 5.  I really want to do this birth naturally because of problems with the epidural with baby 4.  I am so glad my mom is so supportive with my decision.  Wish my hubby was on board just as much, but he just wants me to get the painkillers and get it over with.  Not that he is not loving and a wonderful husband.  He gets really nervous in the delivery room and tends to just stand in the corner not sure what to do.  So I am certain the thought of me on no drugs makes him extra nervous already.  But along with this new strength or desire to have this baby naturally I really really want to breastfeed.  Will it be best for the baby? Sure we all know that.  But I really want to have that closeness to my baby that I missed with the other 4.  And not being able to do something has really drove me nuts. 

So I prep and and I read but I really don't think there is anything I don't know that I haven't already read.  Or that the lactation consultants haven't gone over again and again.  I just have this hope and I pray that it will be enough this time.  Plus the fact I am delivering at a tiny hospital with only 2 birthing rooms gives me an edge as well.  With not too many woman to attend to I am hoping to get some much needed one on one time when little Danni arrives.  So here is to hoping and wanting to do something even though you fear it.

New Year....New Things.

 

Happy New Year everyone!!  I truly hope everyone had a great holiday season and that you all have great goals for this year.  Right now the only goal I have on my brain is making it through this pregnancy.  One month left and I just feel like it is taking forever to get over with.  I realized that I probably should do one more belly shot before Danni makes her arrival.  Corey convinced me to do a bare belly shot, which really makes you appreciate the roundness of the belly.  My mom made the comment that is looks like she has dropped and as I looked I thought the same thing.  Let's just hope she doesn't sag so low she drags on the ground.

 

I was joking when I said that was my only goal this year.  I am excited to welcome a new member to our family this year.  But along with that I have been thinking of trying to be a more positive person.  I realize most of what I say can be negative and when someone makes a comment i try to find something negative to say about it.  Habit or just me not using my filter correctly.  Either way I need to work on that.  And like my friend Sarah who also blogs I want to try and post more often.  And with that comes taking more pictures.  I used to take a ton when we lived in Maryland.  I think it might have something to do with how beautiful everything was there.  Made it easy to find something to photograph.  Here during winter it is hard to find anything worth taking a picture of.  And we really don't get out much this time of year.  The kids make it down to the bus stop and I might get out for a Dr. appointment or to get groceries, but other than that I just stay at home cuddled under a blanket on the couch.

Of course I have physical goals too.  I of course want to lose the baby weight, but this time I am really going to try and not be too hard on myself.  I have surprised myself with the fact that I have put some weight on and I am ok with it.  I do have a goal to run a half marathon the end of August with my friend Bonnie and brother Thor.  I started Bonnie running before I got pregnant and she has kept it up and become a beast.  She has never ran a half marathon before and I really want to share that with her.

So I will try to take pictures of something in the next couple of days and find something to post about.  Maybe this will help me get creative.